COCK ON A BLOCK, PENIS ON A PODIUM, SHLONG IN A GALLERY: WHAT’S MR PREEZ TO DO?

Brett Murray. The Spear. Image courtesy of the artist and the Goodman Gallery.

Dear Aunty Panga

I’m feeling so weary. Mr Murray made this picture of me and my main member (card-carrying member of the ANC I swear) and now everyone has seen my spear! Aunty Panga my wives are so distressed, Jackson Mthembu is disturbed AK47A mentally unhinged, and I don’t want my other wives Gertrude, Nompumelelo, Thobeka and Gloria, to lose their marbles too. How am I to explain to them and my 21 children, that my sanctified, only to be seen when married tackle (well kinda) has been immortalised and poked into the public eye.  The Preez’s penis is Private Aunty Panga, Private !I have tried to explain to the wives that I did not pose for the portrait, I have categorically stated, that I did not get undressed in front of Mr Murray and bare my winky so he could make an accurate picture. They however ,are not convinced. They cannot believe that Mr Murray could be such a good artist as to render me and my pee-pee, without me stripping down to the nude or giving him some sought of reference material to work from. Between me and you  Aunty Panga ,I’m a reasonable well hung man, and  Mr Murray’s  accuracy does fall a bit shorter than then the length of my trunk. I said this to the wives; its common sense proof that I did not, in fact, commission this portrait. That’s when Jackson started to twitch, I’m not sure if it’s because he is jealous of my physical inheritance or jealous of my wives access to it. Aunty Panga, the Preez is a busy man, with so much work to do squashing out opposition and disembowelling dissenting voices in my party. Aunty P, I’m sure you can understand that though I make deferring leadership decisions look easy, it takes a huge amount of skill, to put off until tomorrow what should be done today. I just don’t have the time to be worrying about penis envy in the ANC ranks, or my wives questioning my commitment to the female form because they think I have been showing my bits and balls to that man Mr Murray! Please help.

Your beloved president Mr Jay-z

Darling Mr Preez

You poor dear, not to worry Aunty P is here to help.

A president’s work is never done! It’s not your fault that god gave you such a fine wand and you should not have to concern your pretty little face with all this jealous consternation. Aunty Panga has the perfect plan of action. Firstly you should purchase the artwork for your wives and hang it in the master bedroom. Aunty Panga knows it’s a little lie, but tell them you did in fact commission the work and it was meant to be a surprise for them. Then when you are away being busy-bee Mr President, they have something to reMember you by! Secondly, tell Jackson Mthembu and the lawyers that suing Mr Murray is a terrible idea; after all it will only mean that the artwork of you, the well endowed Jay z, will be shown everywhere as evidence, leading to further penis envy amongst your colleagues. And let’s be honest, if there is one thing that will unseat you at the next election its penis envy! Aunty Panga is afraid however, that you might have to pretend that Mr Murray’s artwork is an accurate reflection of the size of your pee-pee. Aunty Panga believes you when you say yours is much bigger, but humbleness is the sign of a good leader.

Do send Aunty Panga’s love to the wives, and don’t hesitate to contact Aunty Panga for any other questions you might have about art and love.

XX Aunty P

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This entry was posted in Advice On Art And Love., Aunty Panga, South African Art, South African Lifestyle, Visual Arts and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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